Beyond All Odds
by HotaruGFC
Summary: Post ME3, set in immediate aftermath perfect red ending-shepard lives , And I don't think Joker would high-tail it out of the fight and thus end up of that bizarre world, so yeah. Definitely Shenko, possible smut later, will adjust rating as necessary. Trying to present a realistic view of what Earth would be like after the fall of the Reapers. Note: does not account for EC DLC.
1. Beyond all odds

a/n: I'm trying to keep this from Shepard's view as much as possible, but there will be some jumping around in time, especially at the beginning. Just a warning. Also, I don't own mass effect. I am also trying to not name Shepard. While I am imagining this as a possible future for MY Shepard, I don't want to take away from the feeling that it could also be a possible future for your Shepard. Every time I read a fic where Shepard is named, it kind of makes me remember that this isn't my Shepard, so I'm trying to avoid that. Oh and yes this is a Shenko fic. Because they make me squee. One important thing to note: In this telling, the Quarians were wiped out by the Geth.

* * *

Beyond all odds

She hurt—everywhere. But that's how she kew she was alive. They had tried to convince her, but she had one. She saw the truth—because of him. She tried ot move, but couldn't. At least she could breath, she thought as blackness washed over her again.

* * *

Light blinded her and strange sounds filled her ears. She heard voices, worried, but indistinct. A few stood out—familiar, but she couldn't make out what they were saying. Only one word stuck with her before the darkess came again: Shepard.

* * *

Voices again out of the darkness, but more clear this time.

"Don't leave me again, Shepard." The voice said. It was gruff, weary, worried. A pressure on her hand; a bruch against her forehead; a cress of her cheek.

"Don't you dare leave m."

She didn't want to but she didn't know if it would be her choice anymore; she didn't know if she wanted to make another choice. So many choices—all of them so difficult. She was so tired. Surely the universe wouldn't mind if she slept for a while.

"Don't, Shepard. Don't leave me." the voice said again,b ringing her back to thought. She couldn't respond. She couldn't make her mouth move or squeeze the hand holding hers. She could do nothing. And slowly, the darkness took her again.

* * *

She opened her eyes. She was standing on the Citadel, a battle raging around her and a... being before here. She could barely hear his words, but she knew he—it-was offereing her a choice. She feelt herself limp forward.

'Best option', she thought, 'only option for peace—to end this'. She kept going forward. Her head was foggy and the light hurt her eyes.

'Like one of Kaidan's migraines', she thought.

Kaidan.

She stopped as her breath caught. She looked to her right, at her other choice. Her left was a non-starter. She turned.

'I'm sorry, Tali', she thought as she pointed the pistol. 'I wish I had seen sooner.'

She pulled the trigger.

'Sorry, Joker.'

She felt a dampness on her cheek that could be tears or maybe blood. She didn't know, nor did she care. She pulled the trigger again and again, seeing the flames rise.

'I'm so sorry, but I can't put him through that again.'

The gun fell from her hand as the world around her exploded.

* * *

A cough and mumbled words, a tingly brush of fingers on her arm brought her awareness. Her eyes opened slowly to be greeted with a dim light—a soft yellow glow in the distance intermingled with the green and amber of the monitors beside her. Slowly she turned her head—so very slowly for it swum with a faster movement. Sterile white walls streaked with scorch marks surrounded her. Chunks missing from the roof in one corner. A chair by here bed. It's occupant's head resting beside her. Testing her arms she slipped her fingers from beneath his and slowly laid it on his mass of dark hair.

"Kaidan." she breathed. A beep sounded from somewhere in the room as sleep—a restful, peaceful sleep—took her.

The light that woke her was bright, directly in here eyes. She flinched as it was flicked away and then back.

"Well, Commander. It was a bit touchy for a while but I think you are finally back with us for good." The silver-haired doctor—Chakwas, she said to herself—said as she looked her over once more time before turning back to the monitors.

"Kaidan." Her voice was raspy, weak, dry, worried. The doctor held a stray to her dry cracked lips.

"Drink, Commander."

She did as ordered.

"Don't worry, Shepard. He's here, just exhausted himself looking after you. I had to give him a sedative to get him to sleep." The doctor glanced at a small sofa in the corner of the room, one that didn't quite fit the rest of the décor. She followed the glance—slowly—and saw him curled up like a child, a thin blanket tucked around him. She sighed heavily.

"Still couldn't get him to a decent bed." The doctor stated. "He wouldn't leave the room, except when I had to focibly have him removed so we could do some surgery. Gave Vega one hell of a black eye too, despite a broken arm." The doctor chuckled. She smiled weakly as the friendly face looked down at her. The good doctor smiled back, then took her hand, turned it over and pressed something cold, metallic, and round into her palm before closing her fingers around it.

"Right now, you both need rest. You understand, Commander?"

She nodded weakly.

"Don't make me sedate you too." The doctor quipped as she left the room, dimming the lights.

* * *

"Hey Shepard. Doc says you're back with us."

She feels her lips turn upwards at the light strokes of his thumb against her brow, the sound of his voice, despite its weariness. Opening her eyes slowly, she was greated with a smile as deep relief and joy passes over his features.

"So I hear." She croaked, her voice still uncomfortable in her own throat.

"Here." He sat her up slowly, gingerly and sat next to her, holding a glass of water to her lips. "Drink."

"How long, Kaidan?" she asked after drinking her fill.

"How long were you out?" She nodded in response, her hand squeezing the small object clenched within. She felt his hand slide over her shoulder and pull her gently into his side.

"Six months, give or take a few weeks. They all started to blend together after a while and I stopped counting." She went rigid against him.

Yet more time lost, she thought.

"But the important thing is that you are here now." he whispered softly to her. His lips grazed her ear as he spoke and she felt herself relax slightly. She turned her clenched handover and opened it to reveal a small, thin platinum ring. She winced slightly as his arms tightened around her.

"Remember when I gave that to you?" he whispered as he rested his chin on her shoulder.

She nodded, smiling.

"How could I forget?" she whispered back.

* * *

She was anxious, pacing, couldn't focus. She thought a walk might do her good. Opening the door, she saw him there, two glasses and a bottle of whiskey in his hands. His eyes met hers desperately.

"Just one quick drink and you can throw me out." He pushed his way past her. She could feel eh was brimming with energy, that he was just as anxious as she felt. Just being near him, she realized that the was exactly what she needed just then. That night together made all others pale by comparison—even the night before Ilos, to which she had clung so strongly. She gave herself completely to him: body, mind, and soul. She knew he did the same. As they lay entangled within each other's limbs, she felt herself going in and out of consciousness.

"I love you, Kaidan." She said, "but, damn, what took you so long? She was rewarded with a rumble of his chest as he chuckled deeply.

"Well, if it's any consolation, I'm not waiting any more." he said, amused, as he slipped from her embrace and from the warmth of her bed. She propped herself up, curious, but also appreciative of the view of his muscular body as he rummaged around in their clothes for something.

"I had been hoping to give you this earlier, but you so rudely interrupted me by sitting on my lap and sicking your tongue in my mouth." he said, sitting on the bed next to her. She smiled, a rare genuine smile, one reserved only for him.

"Shall I distract you again?" her smile turned mischievous as her hand slowly slid up his thigh. He captured her hand and held it tightly.

"Not jut yet." He purred against her lips before he pressed against them quickly.

"I know you don't want to think that we might fail—that you can't think that way, but I already lost you once... maybe twice. I don't want to take any chances this time. I want to be with you, and I want you to know that, whatever happens." He took her left hand and slid a small ring over her finger.

"I love you and I will forever."

"Kaidan, are you asking..." He cut her off with a finger on her lips. His stare was intense and torn.

"We can talk about it after we take care of the Reapers. I just wanted you to have this... just in case." he said in a whisper.

"But, don't you want to know an answer?" she asked softly.

"No... yes, but." he took a deep breath. Then he smiled. "Later. It's my insurance policy, so we both come back."

"hmm..." she felt a grin break out on her face as she pulled him back into bed with her, her arms snaking around his neck, her legs wrapping around him. "Guess I'll have to hold you to that." Her voice was raw as she captured his mouth once more.

* * *

He picked the ring up out of her open palm and fiddled with it thoughtfully for a moment.

"It was fused to your skin." he said quietly, spurring her to look at the darker band of scar tissue that surrounded on finger on her left hand—the finger on which that ring fit so perfectly.

"I never did give you an answer." she said softly. She felt him smiling behind her.

"Yes; you did." he replied as he slipped the ring back on her finger. "But I would like to hear you say it."

"Yes, Kaidan. The answer was always yes." She turned to look him in the eye as she said it. "Forever and even through death." She closed her eyes as he cupped her face tilting her head slightly. He kissed her with a soft desperation.

"I should go. Doc's not going to like it if I don't let you rest."


	2. Home

a/n: say it with me, ya'll! "Bioware owns mass effect. I'm just taking a stroll through their universe". So, what does 5+ months in a medically induced coma mean? When you finally wake up, you're as weak as all hell. A little more insight into what Earth is like after the attack. (and anyone who thinks massive rebuilding is likely within at LEAST 5 years, is crazy! I lived through Hurricane Katrina, I've seen extensive damage first hand, it's seven years out and there are STILL places not fit for human habitation. sorry, rant.)

* * *

Home

"Hey, Doc." Shepard said brightly as the older woman entered the room.

"Good morning, Commander. I'm sure you will be pleased to know that it's moving day." Doctor Chakwas said smiling. "Major Alenko will be here within the hour. You feeling up to meeting him?"

She started to spring out of the bed that confined her, thought better of it and then slid gingerly from it. While she had been mostly healed from her wounds, her muscles were not in their usual condition and she was uncertain that her legs had the strength to support her. However, she would not wait a moment longer than necessary to see her Kaidan. He had been gone for two weeks and while they had spoken via a salvaged omni-tool—hers had been destroyed in the explosion—it wasn't the same as seeing him and holding him in her arms.

Shall I get the chair?" the doctor asked as she limped and hobbled to the closet to get dressed.

"No." she said, perhaps a little too sharply. "No, I need to see him on my own two feet. I need him to see me do it." She rummaged through the small closet of salvaged clothing looking for something that wasn't the loungewear she's been wearing since she woke up. Eventually she settled on a soft blue t-shirt and a pair of jeans that would have been just a hair too tight back on the Normandy, but now hung loosely on her bony hips.

After a quick shower—well as quick as she could make it—she looked appraising in the mirror. Her hair, which was cropped close as a necessity due to the extensive medical procedures, was starting to get shaggy and was desperately in need of a trim. Streaks of blonde-white colored it's typical bright red hue, where it was growing in over her scars. A bright red scar, nearly the color of her hair, ran across her forehead. But her eyes were bright and as alive as ever, shining in anticipation.

* * *

She stepped outside for the first time since the attack ended and blinked in the sunlight. All around her lay destruction, devastation, but the bright summer sun seemed to make it all glow, washing it in pure light. She wavered a bit on her feet as she took it in. She knew it was bad, but being told about the devastation was one thing; seeing it for herself was something entirely different. She could see some salvage crews picking through the rubble of buildings across a square. Piles of usable materials sorted by type lay to one side. A small pile of bodies for interment lay to another.

'Over six months since the attack and they are still pulling people from the rubble.' she though in sad awe. She had never been a religious person, but she closed her eyes and said a little prayer for those lost. She must have swayed on her feet, for a large hulk of an medic put a hand on her shoulder to steady her.

"Commander?" he asked.

"I, I just need to sit for a moment." She could hear the waver in her voice as she said it, but had no way to control that just yet. "So much was lost, wasted." She said quietly as he directed her to a stack of crates containing much needed medical supplies. She sank onto the box's hard metal surface.

"True, but so much more could have been. At least we are still here, still fighting for a chance to survive, to live." He seemed so optimistic. She looked out over the scene before her. Perhaps he was right. She looked closer at the salvage team. She hadn't noticed it before, but it was a very diverse group of individuals: humans, of course, but also turians, asari, and even a krogan.

'Hmm, maybe things aren't as bad as they seem. Maybe this be for the best in the long run.' she thought as she watched them. She was distracted from her reflections by the approach of a caravan of military vehicles. She felt a grin spread across her face as a familiar black head dropped out of the passenger side of the second vehicle. She wanted to run to him, to jump into his arms, but she knew her body wouldn't stand for that just yet. So she settled for standing up.

He sprinted up the steps to her and pulled her close to him, swinging her around in a circle before setting her down again.

"It's so good to see you out of bed, Shepard." She leaned into the hand he laid on her cheek before he gently stroked her hair.

"I don't know if I'll ever get used to the white." He smiled down at her.

"Well, at least it grew back." she ran her hand through the shaggy mane self-consciously. He tilted her chin up toward him and kissed her gently. It felt like springtime, and birthdays, and dancing. She sighed happily as she returned the light pressure.

"Come on. Let's take you home." He picked her up, so easily—too easily, she thought—and carried her down to the truck.

"I can walk, you know."

"And I am certainly glad to hear that. But..."

"But?"

"I just wanted to hold you a little longer."

She chuckled and nestled her head into the crook of his neck, taking in the smell of him. The ride was over too quickly and he settled her into the center seat of the large vehicle.

"Major." She heard Doctor Chakwas call him away from her. She only heard bits and snatches of the conversation, something about her still being fragile and not getting to overly physical just yet and about building up strength. She gazed out of the dirty window in front of her and took in the skyline of London. She could recognize some landmarks from studies in school so many years ago. Some were still standing, intact, but others were just fragments of their former majesty, crumbling ruins after the attacks. The salvage team she had been watching earlier hauled their loads, along with the crates from the hospital, onto the trucks, while another fresh team began setting up camp in the bombed-out hospital that had been her home for the last seven or so months. She heard Kaidan bellowing out orders to the crews, but her thoughts turned to imagining what London was like before the attack. She had never been and it was difficult to superpose the images she remembered studying as a child with the hollow shell of a city she saw before her.

'This clean up is going to take a long time. Rebuilding will take even longer.' she thought. She noticed some evidence of patches on some buildings around the square; soldiers and civilians working to shore up the crumbling buildings so they would have a place to return to once the infrastructure could be put back in place. As it was, even on as critical a structure as the hospital, power was not always a guarantee, and solar generators were heavily relied upon. She knew the same story was happening all over the planet, in every major city where there were survivors, and where military personal were able to unite them in a resistance. She knew it would be a monumental undertaking, but until she looked upon the wreckage, she hadn't realized just how bad, how extensive the damage was.

"But at least we survived. Somehow, I survived." She had no memory of what happened after the explosion, but Chakwas had told her she was found on Earth, about a mile away from the Conduit's location. They had started to give up on her, but somehow she had held on. She knew she was in pretty bad shape when she was found; the good doctor had given her the litany of broken parts and conditions at one point, but she didn't care to remember them. She just knew that, even though she was cleared to leave the hospital, she was definitely NOT cleared for duty... or pretty much anything else.

The door opened next to her and she turned to see Kaidan—my Kaidan, she thought—climbing in next to her. He grinned at her like a schoolboy as he took her hand and kissed it lightly.

"Ready to go home?"

She laid her head on his shoulder. She knew he meant the settlement in the country, but it seemed such a empty question. She never really had a home, always growing up jumping from place to place. Home was her family—or what was left of it. Slipping her rail-thin arm around his, she interlaced their fingers.

"I already am." She whispered.


	3. Reunion

A/n: I don't own Mass Effect. More about the world after the Reapers and a little bit of after effects of Shepard's injuries. Because you don't almost die (for the umpteenth time it seems) and NOT have some... issues. Other familiar faces make an appearance.

* * *

Reunion (beyond all odds ch 3)

It took them some time to leave the crumbling ruin of London. All of the jostling as the caravan wove its way through the debris-strewn streets had lulled her into a fitful sleep with her head resting on Kaidan's shoulder. It was the stillness, the smoothness of the ride once they left the city proper that woke her. She scrubbed her eyes, blinking in the brightness of the sunlight streaming through the windshield. Her breath caught as she looked out at the vista spread before her. Hills of green rolled into the distance as far as she could see. Occasionally, a house or small village dotted the landscape. The entire countryside looked... untouched.

"Kaidan. This place..."

"Nature works fast in places without concrete, Shepard. This used to be a flat plain. Rolling countryside, courtesy of the Reapers." She felt his squeeze her shoulder reassuringly.

Looking again, she noticed how the hills were a little too peaked and narrow to be really natural. But all around her was life—green and growing, and it dazzled her eyes. She had rarely been in a opportunity to see the natural beauty of the Earth. The few times she had visited in her life had mainly confined her to the cities: New York, Vancouver, New Orleans, Beijing, or wherever else her grandparents may have been at the time when she was too young to be left alone while both her parents were out on rotation. Never had she been exposed to such vastness of green, at least not in a situation where she could truly appreciate it. It was so different from the beauty of space that she grew up with. She heard Kaidan chuckle.

"Just like the first time you saw the Citadel." he whispered, tightening his arm around her shoulder. "If you think this is nice, just wait till we..." The vehicle crested a hill, a natural one from the feel of it, and laid out below them was a wide green valley. A gleaming river ran down its center and buildings peppered the surrounding landscape. They glinted in the sunlight like mirrors or jewels. Mountains rose up behind the settlement, craggy and black. She gasped at the sight.

"Welcome to New London, Commander." the driver of the vehicle said as she leaned closer to the window.

The settlement was a strange mixture of pre-fab building pods commonly seen on the colonies and ancient stone houses and buildings. As the vehicle made its way to the center of town, she saw that what had at first seemed to be like a solid green blanket covering the valley was really a riot of color. It was midsummer and it seemed like Mother Nature had decided to give the middle finger to the Reapers. Everywhere she looked, something was in bloom or hanging heavy with fruit. Patches between the buildings were home to gardens, but not like the perfectly manicured gardens she was used to on all of the space stations she had lived on. This was not like a hydroponics lab. This was a cacophony of life, wild and headstrong. She saw people working in some of the gardens stop and wave at the passing caravan. And not just humans, but asari and krogan as well.

"What you've done, Shepard..." he started, following her gaze. "What you've started. It's only the beginning." The caravan circled the center of the town and stopped in front of what could only be an ancient church. The stone building dominated the square and towered above the surrounding buildings. Soldiers, survivors of the raid on London, worked hand in hand with civilians to unload and sort the materiel scavenged from the city as Kaidan helped her out of the truck.

They walked into the church together, where she found it had been converted into a sort of town hall/base of operations. The inside of the building was a sharp contrast to the brightness and life outside. Inside it was all stillness and cold and death. She shivered as they approached the knot of people in the center of the room. Admiral Hackett was there, as was Garrus and Liara among some others she didn't recognize.

"I'm tell you, we just don't have the resources or the manpower right no to spare. Communication with Vancouver is spotty at best with our current set-up. We'll have to wait until the transmitter in London is repaired. We may even have to wait until after the winter to mount any sort of organized retrieval of refugees, and I will not waste the fuel just so you can go puruse a library, Dr. T'soni." Hackett's voice echoed through the stony chamber, followed by Liara's.

"But, Admiral, these records could help so much, with the rebuilding efforts, identifying the dead..."

His heavy sigh cut her off.

"Liara, I know its important. And when we can send a ship, you will be the first one on it. But right now, it's just not feasible." he responded; his voice sounded tired, weary, but gentle with the young asari. Heads turned toward them as Kaidan led her to the group.

"Shepard." Garrus said, relief evident on his face.

Looks of ranging from relief to excitement and joy passed over the faces gathered in the room as her name was murmured through the crowd.

"Command, it's good to see you up and about." the admiral said, crossing to her to shake her hand.

"It's good to be back, Sir."

"However, she's still not cleared for duty." Kaidan cut in, reminding them all of her still tenuous condition.

"Of course not, she needs to work her way back slowly. You gave us quite the scare, Shepard." She smiled weakly in response. "Would you care to join our little discussion group?"

She nodded.

"Only if I can sit down." Kaidan helped her into an old wooden pew as this seemingly governing council shifted to accommodate her. The discussion resumed, picking up with harvest estimates and reports from salvage team leaders. She tried to follow as best she could, but she was overwhelmed by the information and how different it was from what she was used to. Her eyes were drawn to the intricate carvings in the stonework of the church. Kaidan squeezed her hand, drawing her attention back to the conversation at hand. It had moved on to reports on survivor relocation.

"Shepard." Her name drew her attention, which had been wavering once more, to Hackett. "Just thought you would like to know that your mother is off with one of the relocation teams. She's in... Glasgow, I believe." She nodded, barely meeting his eyes before her attention was pulled to some other feature of the old building. The voices droned on around her. She could pick out a few of them: Garrus, Liara, and Kaidan—always Kaidan, but the rest blended together into a steady hum punctuated by what sounded like honking. It reminded her of one time with her grandparents when they had stumbled upon a gaggle of geese in a park. She began fiddling with the salvaged omni-tool on her wrist.

"What are you doing?" Kaidan hissed in her ear as the tool flared bright orange in the dim light.

"Hmmm? I'm trying to re-program this omni-tool, but it doesn't have the memory I need for my incinerate skill." She answered, her voice matching his hushed tones.

"Can you do that later?" He turned her chin toward him so she would have to meet his eyes before quickly tilting his head toward the admiral, who was still issuing orders to the soldiers and civilians alike.

"Oh. Sorry." she once more turned her attention to the gathered crowd, but it wasn't long before she was tapping incessantly on her knee. Kaidan threaded his fingers with hers to still the jittery appendages. With her hand stilled, her foot began to tap out a quiet rhythm. She was staring into space as a daydream overtook her.

* * *

Once again, she was on the Citadel, the choices laid out before her. She just had to pick one. The chance of surviving any of them were slim, she knew. Time seemed to slow down as she shambled towards the pillar of light in the center.

"Shepard." She heard the ghost of his voice and her heart stopped. So did her feet. She trembled as she looked once more to the brightness at the end of her path. She closed her eyes for what seemed like an eternity. She exhaled.

"Shepard." He was there again, his voice pleading with her to return to him, just barely tickling her mind like the memory of his kiss.

She turned and, hobbling, raised the pistol.

* * *

"Shepard?" His voice, a concerned question unspoken on his lips brought her back to the present. She started, her eyes roaming the interior of the church in confusion and fear. His hand on her cheek brought her eyes to him once more. Staring into his milk chocolate eyes, her breathing slowed. She blinked slowly. She breathed, once more in the moment. Her heart was still beating fast as he gathered her against him. She was shaking, but began to still within his embrace.

"Are you okay?" He breathed into her hair. She only nodded into his shoulder.

"I will be." She felt him brush his fingers lightly through her loose hair.

"Admiral, I think it would probably be best if I take her home." She could feel his voice rumbling deep within his chest. Hackett's voice returned and was colored with concern.

"By all means, Major." She felt an unfamiliar hand on her shoulder and she jumped at the touch.

"You rest for now, Commander. Get better." Hackett's voice was close to her. She raised her head to give him a weak smile and a quick nod of her head.


	4. Settling in

A/N: Honestly, I have no idea where I'm going with this whole story, but I'm going to see how it develops and hope you all enjoy the ride. I wanted to thank everyone who has favorite'd this story or put it on alert. I would like to express my greatest gratitude to those who have left reviews or comments. You are my bread and butter. I am trying really really hard to keep this from getting smutty, so I am going to apologize now if I fail. Lots of dialog and very little action. Please let me know if it becomes difficult following the conversation so I can edit to make it more clear. Also, long chapter is long...

I'm going to jump forward a few days in this chapter so I don't get bogged down in the day to day workings of the settlement that Shepard, et al., now call home.

* * *

Settling in

She woke to a warm presence surrounding her and in comfort that she had never experienced in her life. The bed she lay in was soft and enveloping, nearly as enveloping as the arms that held her. But when she opened her eyes, she stared out at walls that were unfamiliar. The entire room was white and pastels, airy and light. She started at the strangeness of it, of the fire place and the yellow flowers on the mantlepiece.

"Shhh." The arms around her pulled tighter; the deep resonant voice trying to calm her.

"Where are we?" she asked quietly.

"Shepard, don't you remember?" his voice matched hers. She shook her head against his chest and squeezed her eyes shut as spots swam before her.

He sighed and kissed the top of her head.

"This is our apartment, well sort of. It's actually a room at an old bed and breakfast, but this is where we've been staying the last few days." He said patiently. Doctor Chakwas had mentioned possible damage to her short term memory.

"Why is it so... bright?" she asked skeptically. Having grown up on ship and stations, she was not used to the country décor or the way the light streamed through the window. He chuckled.

"I was more interested in the fact that it had the biggest bed. Sorry I didn't take anything else into account." He nuzzled her shoulder. She could feel his desire rise and tried to wrap herself further into his embrace. But he backed away from her, leaving her cold in the fluffy bed. She turned to him, her eyes sad at the loss of his touch.

"Kaidan." she reached out to him. She leaned into the light touch he stroked along her cheek.

"Doc says you're still not up for... strenuous exercise." He kissed the tip of her nose. "And I've got to get to work."

She sighed in disappointment, but she knew nothing she could say would change his mind on the matter just then. She watched him dress, longing to run her fingers across his broad shoulders and back, to look into his chocolate eyes, so full of emotion as they made love.

"You should go see Garrus. He's... he's not doing too well from what I hear." He kissed her softly before he left. "I'll see you later."

"Have a good day, Kaidan."

* * *

All through the growing town, she saw people hard at work. They were tending the fields, healing the sick, patching up the wounded or on rotations into the larger cities on salvage missions. Everyone was pitching in. Everyone except her. She felt useless, worse than useless actually, because so many people were taking their time to make a fuss over her. She felt like she should be doing something, but she had a hard time walking across the square to the field hospital for her appointments with Doctor Chakwas without getting exhausted.

A far cry from the woman who stopped the Reapers, she thought bitterly as she made her way to the medical tent.

"Commander." A nurse greeted her as she entered. The rank meant nothing now, not really, as the Alliance military was fairly decimated in the battle for Earth. However, everyone addressed her as such, so accustomed they were with her image from before. She smiled at the young man.

"I'm supposed to meet Doctor Chakwas..." she started to ask.

"She's in the turian isolation tent, Commander. You're welcome to wait, if you'd like." he had gotten back to work, but indicated a small line of chairs typically reserved for the patients' families.

"Thank you, but could you point me in the direction of the isolation tent?" He gave her brief, but thorough directions and she left him to his work.

Kaidan had told her that while the mass relays had not exploded, they had been disabled sufficiently that the fleets which came to the aid of Earth were now stuck here. He had assured her that some of the best minds out there were trying to get them running again, but with the loss of the Citadel, the chances of doing so were slim. The asari, krogan and elcor had little problems adapting to Earth's environment, despite the damage left by the Reapers. The turians, however, were not so lucky. At first, they were able to survive using what remained of their ships stores, but it was more than food incompatibilities affecting the survivors. There was something in the air that was making them sick. The doctors didn't have a full understanding of what it could be and were not ruling out anything, from a cross-species virus to an allergic reaction, without evidence. Unfortunately for the turians, the search for a cause was also coinciding with dwindling numbers.

She entered the decontamination tent and felt the UV lights run over her skin several times, as well as felt the blow of air jets removing any physical matter that might be sticking to her. The tent was loud as generators cycled and purified the air entering the chamber. It wasn't a perfect set up, but it was the best they could do. Even if they relocated the sick to the nearest hospital, the conditions of the buildings were not any better than the chamber they had managed to set up. She put a mask over her nose and mouth as she stepped through to see row after row of coughing, wheezing, suffering and dying turians. She spotted Chakwas and Garrus near one of the sick individuals.

"Well, whatever it is, I don't think it's a pathogen." the doctor was saying. "All the blood work seems to be in fairly normal ranges. Elevated levels of IgE equivalent and histamines, though, which leads me to believe that it's an allergic reaction to something."

"But how can an allergy become so dangerous so quickly?"

"It probably wasn't quick, Garrus. I wouldn't be surprised if they developed mild symptoms earlier but just didn't think anything of it. We're lucky we haven't had many deaths yet." The doctor stopped as Garrus started coughing.

"Garrus, are you okay?" She asked him, placing her hand on his shoulder. He waved her concern away as the fit passed.

"I'm fine, Shepard."

"No, you're not. You're getting it too Garrus. How long have you been coughing?" Chakwas was in full-on doctor mode.

"I said I'm fine, Doctor."

She sighed at her friend's stubbornness. It had gotten her through more than one scrape, but now it was only holding back information that could save his people.

"Answer the damn question Vakarian." Chakwas ordered. Garrus sighed.

"A couple of days. It's been getting worse too. Before that I had this awful rash on my... well, it was awful." He finally admitted.

"Well, all I can suggest right now is to use full environmental protection as much as possible, until we can sort things out." Chakwas rubbed her eyes tiredly. "I'm going to send that recommendation to Admiral Hackett for all turians. I don't want anyone to get any worse."

Garrus nodded.

"It's kinda funny," he said in his it's-not-really-funny-at-all tone of voice. "We stop the Reapers for what? To get stranded on a planet that's out to kill us." He bobbed his head in that peculiar way that he did, which she thought was his equivalent of a weary smile. "I'll come by later, Shepard, if you're up for it."

"Sure, Garrus. I'd like that."

"Well, looks like I'm off to spread the word." He cough once before he made it out of the chamber. Doctor Chakwas sighed and rubbed her fists into tired eyes. She gave the nurses in the room a few instructions before leaving.

"Come with me, Shepard." She followed the doctor out of the isolation tent and into her office.

"So,... Garrus seems to be taking things well." She started. Chakwas sighed.

"I guess he's taking it as well as can be expected, but if he's not careful he'll be the next one in a bed."

"I hadn't realized things had gotten so bad for the turians. Kaidan told me there were some problems, but he didn't make it seem this dire."

"If we don't figure this out soon, I'm afraid that all the turians on Earth will be dead within the year, at the latest."

"If there's anything I can do to help... I mean, I know I'm not a doctor, but I've pretty much been put on the sidelines, so if you've got data to analyze or something... anything, just let me know."

"Much appreciated, Shepard. I fear that Hackett is getting... annoyed with my constant requests, so maybe you could talk to him for me."

"That I can certainly do. Apparently, I'm a better politician than I would have imagined."

"Well, uniting a galaxy of diverse people is definitely a notch in your belt." Chakwas laughed. "We still need to crack open that bottle of ice brandy." She smiled.

"I'm game if you are."  
"Are you kidding me? Alenko would have my head if I got you drunk without him." She laughed as the doctor pulled out the bottle and two glasses.

"But, perhaps a glass will do for now." The doctor poured a glass for both of them. "Besides, I did want to talk to you about your implants. I'm going to record this conversation because Alenko had mentioned some problems with your short term memory." Chakwas fiddled with her omni-tool and then passed a glass. "Several of your implants were damaged—completely burned out or were suffering from some sort of short—at some point during the attack. We've fixed what we could, replaced what was absolutely necessary to replace, and some of them seemed to have fixed themselves. Fortunately, the most critical ones fell in the latter category. Unfortunately, they are still not operating at 100% capacity." She took a drink of the rich brown liquor.

"What does that mean, Doc?"

"I've already told Alenko about it, but I suspect that is what is behind your memory lapses and lack of focus. Your optical implants were also affected, so you may also experience a lowering of your visual acumen. Let me know if you do."

"As long as it's not alcohol related, right?"

Chakwas smiled.

"Correct."

"So basically, you're saying that until this is fixed, I won't be able to shoot like I used to."

"Pretty much."

"Don't let Garrus know. He's liable to talk me into another contest." She took another long sip and felt the warmth of the drink spread through her, followed by the chill that gave ice brandy its name. "Anything we can do to fix it?"

"I'm not sure. We may not be able to. I'm no implant specialist, but fortunately I have located a few who survived the attack on Earth. I've been in contact with them, among others, about the turian problem. Unfortunately, two of them are currently in New York and the third is in Munich. I've been trying to get Hackett to pick them up on retrieval rotation, but we haven't sent ships that way in a couple of months. As soon as I can get them here, we can further asses the situation." Chakwas took a deep drink.

"Damn that's good."

She smiled at the doctor over her glass.

"I see. Is that all?"

"About the brandy or the implants?"

"The implants."

"Well, there is one other thing. Cerberus set you up with a lot of new equipment, but they did not replace one of your implants from before: your hormonal control implant. It was still functional when I checked you out before the attack, but it seems to have burned out along with some of the other non-essential implants."

She chuckled.

"Is this why you told Kaidan I wasn't... fit for strenuous exercise, as he put it?" She smirked as the doctor chortled.

"Alenko certainly has a way with words, doesn't he. But yes, I may have mentioned that you should hold off on renewing a physical relationship. I wanted to talk with you about it. You know, by your age, most female soldiers have had their either removed or replaced."

"I never really got the chance to think about it, what with dying and all." Her tone was a touch defensive.

"Any chance you're considering starting a family? Because the sooner you get it removed the better it will be for those chances."

"I'll have to talk to Kaidan about it, but is it causing any damage?"

"No way to tell right now. If I can get you back on the Normandy for a scan, I'd know more, but I would suggest removing it anyway to be sure. I can always give you a chemical contraceptive in the meantime."

She sat quietly for a moment, contemplating.

"I never pictured myself as motherhood material." she said softly after a while. "I think I could use another." she pushed her glass across to the doctor.

"Oh no, one is enough for right now. Go, talk to Alenko and think about it. A few more days won't hurt anything. Besides, your body has been through a great deal. Right now, I don't even know if you could conceive a child if you wanted one. But I know that letting this sit for too long could only shrink those chances further."

"Sure." She stood to leave. "Anything else, Doctor?"

"Not right now, but I'll let you know if anything comes up. Oh and don't forget to talk to Hackett about the turians for me."

"Sure thing."

"Get some rest, Commander. And tell Alenko that he won't break you!" The doctor called after her as she left the office tent. She acknowledged it was a quick wave and a chortle before she returned to the too-white room she called home.


	5. Family

A/N: Trying to move on with life, Shepard's been thinking and trying to not kill herself with boredom. I don't own Mass Effect... Also, don't know if I'll be able to update until next week, as I'm convention bound!

* * *

Family

She sat on the large bed clad in only a tank top and underwear surrounded by datapads. She pushed her wet wayward bangs back for the umpteenth time.

**"**I'm going to have to get a haircut", she thought.

She missed her long hair. She was sure Kaidan missed it too, with as much as he always touched it.

Doctor Chakwas sent over everything they had on the turian situation and she had asked for information on the Relay repairs as well. Hackett was skeptical about keeping her in the loop after her performance at the council briefing. He kept saying that she wasn't ready for duty. Fortunately, Liara had been more than willing to share.

**"**Benefits of having the Shadow Broker as a friend."

Her mind was jumping back and forth between the projects, tossing the ideas around like it was a hot stone. She couldn't stay focused on either one for very long, especially when other thoughts kept creeping into her mind.. Turians, Relays, Turians, Relays, Turians, Family, Relays, Turians, Relays, Family, Turians, Family, Relays, Family, Family, Family, Kids, Kaidan.

She sighed as she collapsed onto her back and was staring at the ceiling as pink light from the sunset dappled it through the lace curtains. Her mind was replaying the conversation with Doctor Chakwas from earlier. She drifted off to sleep and didn't hear Kaidan come in. He closed the door quietly, seeing her asleep in the bed. She opened her eyes to the sounds of datapads hitting the floor and the feel of him hovering over her.

**"**Hey Sexy." he growled in her ear before laying a line of kisses down the side of her neck.

**"**Hey yourself." she purred, sliding her hands around his neck to run her fingers through his thick black hair.

**"**I see you found something to keep you busy." He glanced at the datapads now scattered across the floor.

**"**Yeah, well, I was starting to go a little stir-crazy without anything to do, while everyone else is doing so much." she pulled his lips down to hers, kissing him slowly and deeply. She felt his weight pressed against her and she hooked one of her legs around his, her hips rising to meet him.

**"**Shepard." he groaned against her. "Are you sure..." She ran her foot down the length of his leg.

**"**Chakwas told me to tell you that you wouldn't break me." she whispered as he shivered against her.

**"**Really." His eyebrow quirked upwards as he kissed her again.

Before long, the sound of their lovemaking filled the room.

* * *

The light of the full moon filtered into the room as she woke. They had missed dinner and she was growing hungry, but she didn't want to leave the warmth of Kaidan's arms. She rolled over onto her side and he pulled her back against his chest.

**"**Kaidan?" she asked softly. "Are you awake?" He murmured and rubbed his face against her hair.

**"**Nope. I think I must be dreaming." His voice was quiet, but reverberated deep in his chest.

**"**What makes you say that?" she asked, lacing her fingers through his as his arm tightened around her waist.

**"**Well, I just made love to the most amazing woman I've ever met and she's alive and still beside me. Yep, this has to be a dream." He kissed her shoulder and propped his head up on a fist, his elbow grinding into his pillow. She shifted to look up at him. The moonlight leant and ethereal glow to his olive skin, making it seem almost silver. She stroked his cheek, watching his eyelids slide over his honey-brown eyes.

**"**Kaidan, have you..." She sighed and turned away from him. "have you ever thought about having a family?" She glanced at him in her peripheral vision to see a look of disbelief wash over his chiseled features.

**"**I'm sorry. I didn't mean..." He cut her off as he tilted her face to his and kissed her deeply.

**"**Oh, my love, you didn't... I just never expected you to ask. I never thought it had crossed your mind." He looked at her with such intense love in his eyes that she felt tears welling in her own. He rested his forehead against hers.

**"**There is no one in the world, galaxy... Hell, in the universe, I was would to have children with more than you." She smiled against his lips before answering his soft kiss.

**"**Just so you know," she said. "I had a piss-poor example of motherhood growing up."

He chuckled as he pulled her close and they sat up together, surrounded by blankets and limbs and love.

**"**Don't worry, you'll be fine." he reassured her.

**"**Of course, this is all assuming..." her tone had turned somber.

**"**What? What's wrong?" worry crept into his voice.

**"**Maybe nothing; maybe everything. My hormonal implant blew in the fight against the reapers. Chakwas doesn't know yet if there is any permanent damage and wants to put me on some sort of therapy to see if it can jumpstart the system. Hell, I don't even know if any of it will work right after what Cerberus..." He kissed her deeply, shutting her up and shutting out her worry.

**"**We'll find a way." He soothed. "We always have."

**"**Why are you always so damned optimistic?" she asked, mock frustration in her voice. She couldn't admit just then that it was his optimism that kept her going on some days.

**"**What can I say? You bring out the best in me." She stroked her hair back from her face, tucking the loose strands behind her ears."

Besides, I seem to remember you wanting to hear a good-old-fashioned 'everything will be alright' once in awhile." He smiled at her in his infectious way.

**"**If you want a family, I'll find a way to give you one, even if it means adopting every war orphan on Earth, or letting Liara meld with you know I know she still wants to."

**"**Kaidan." she chuckled.

**"**I will move mountains for you, Shepard." His voice was deadly serious as his eyes shone with such intense emotions that she felt tears forming in her eyes once more. She chuckled as they started to streak paths down her cheeks, only to be caught on his rough hands.

**"**Yet you still call me by my last name, _Alenko_." she added for emphasis. He shrugged.

**"**Old habits die hard." she nuzzled her face into the crook of his neck.

**"**Don't worry, I think it's sweet." She grinned as he kissed the top of her head. They sat embraced in silence for a moment, relishing the feel of each other.

**"**You think they have any leftovers?" he asked as he rubbed his cheek against her soft hair. She laughed heartily and squeezed him tightly before disentangling herself from him. She held out her hand to him.

**"**Why don't we find out."


	6. Facing the Music

**A/N: I want to thank everyone who's been reading and favoriting. Please drop me a review, comment or something because I'm a Leo and I like attention (but seriously, it helps keep me motivated). Sorry it took so long to update. Things have been busy with the convention, dealing with my little man and then the 4th of July. Finally have a sort of handle on where I want to go with this, so I'm hoping that will help me get updates done faster. Now, time to shackle myself to the sewing machine as I've got costumes to finish.**

**Regulations come back to bite Shepard in the... rear. Because I don't see Hackett as a purely altruistic individual, especially given the stress of commanding the fleets in the biggest conflict ever seen in the entire galaxy (at which he excels) and organizing and governing a growing number of civilians and aliens(at which he doesn't), I can see him trying to use Shepard as a tool, as if governance is just another war. Also, forewarning, there is a tiny bit of strong language.**

* * *

**Facing the Music**

The summons had come unexpectedly. She had been delving into the turian problem and had just started to understand the situation and what was currently known. As a result, the call was a huge, unwanted break in concentration. She tried to hide her frustration as she walked into the church-turned-operations-base. It was far more crowded than the last time she had been there. Kaidan had told her before he left that morning that a couple of the refugee retrieval teams had returned. He also said that he was scheduled to lead one of the next teams to ship out; He was headed to New York on the request of Doctor Chakwas. Unfortunately, he would likely be away for around a month, depending on the weather.

She passed through a large knot of people waiting for processing in the vestibule. Young men and women who had been pressed into service directed the refugees and assigned them living quarters and jobs based on their skills. She skirted the throng as she made her way toward the small room Admiral Hackett had made into an office.

A woman with graying red hair sat in discussion with the admiral. Despite not having seen her personally in several years, she immediately recognized the older woman as her mother. She felt her back go rigid as she stood waiting for acknowledgment.

"Ah, Commander. I'm glad you could make it on such short notice."

"I wasn't aware I had an option, Sir." she replied formally. The older woman turned, her sad eyes brightening somewhat with a smile at the younger version of herself. Hackett gestured for her to sit down as Hannah Shepard vacated the seat and left the room with a nod. It was an uncomfortable chair for her still skeletal frame.

Well, she thought, at least I'm not getting winded just walking across the square anymore. She straightened her shoulders and waited for Hackett to disclose his reason for summoning her.

"So, I've heard you found yourself a few little projects." His voice was a touch patronizing as he addressed her.

"Just trying to do my part to help out, Sir."

"A noble thought, Shepard. God knows that you've done more than anyone to get us where we are now. Are you sure you don't want a nice long vacation?"

"Frankly, Sir, I don't really think of sitting on my duff doing nothing as a vacation."

"I didn't think that this sort of research was in your field of expertise."

"There is more to me than being able to fire a sniper rifle, Sir." She was growing more impatient with his attitude and his apparent lack of regard for her as anything than a killing machine. She surely had proven to the galaxy as a whole that she was more than that. She could feel her ire rising in her like a tongue of flame.

"Well, if you find anything that could be of use, please pass on the information."

"Of course, Sir." She felt her jaw clench. She watched him for a moment as he shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

"Well, now that Doctor Chakwas has basically given you clearance to live on your own, I'm going to move you to new housing. Your current situation isn't... sustainable."

What? _WHAT?_ Her brain stammered as she tried to comprehend his meaning.

"What?" she finally said.

"You living with Major Alenko; it's not good for morale. Besides, it's against regulations. He is technically your superior officer." He elaborated, adding the bit about regulations as an afterthought.

She blinked at him, stunned.

"Not good for morale?" she echoed, still struggling to understand what he was trying to say.

"Shepard. You are the savior of so many, and unfortunately that puts you in a... singular position. I need you, no the public needs to see you as available to them. They look up to you. If word were to get out that you were... involved with someone, especially another officer... well, things could get... uncomfortable."

Finally, her struggling brain caught his meaning.

"You're saying you want me to move because otherwise it's bad for PR? Are you serious?" The fire that had building in her erupted.

"Now Commander."

She cut him off.

"No." she stood and paced to the door, stopping before she walked out on him completely.

"You asked me if I wanted a vacation earlier. Well, I have one every moment I'm with him. I will not abandon him, not again, and I will certainly not sneak away while he's off on a mission." She walked back to the desk and leaned on it, glaring at him.

"You can go fuck your PR stunt. Sir." She turned and stormed out of the room.

* * *

The trip back to their secluded corner of the settlement was a blur. She didn't notice people cautiously getting out of her way or the one person following her. She was angry, livid, but she felt... alive, like she caught a glimmer of her old self in her anger somehow. She still felt frail and could barely lift a datapad, let alone her rifle, but she felt powerful in that moment.

She slammed the door to their room in the boarding house and collapsed on the bed, pulling his pillow tightly to her. The scent of him washing over her slowly soothed her, but she was still fuming when the knock came on her door.

"What?" she bit out harshly, her voice slightly muffled by the pillow.

"May I come in?" a woman's voice filtered through the door.

Great, she thought. Last thing I need right now is a lecture, Mom.

She slid out of the bed, still clutching the pillow to her chest and opened the door. She didn't even make eye contact with the older woman before she turned toward one of the large overstuffed chairs and plopped down in it.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart." her mother's voice was characteristically soft. She looked up, her eyes shinning with unshed tears, as Hannah sat down. The older woman sighed heavily, steeling herself for her daughter's vitriol.

"I know you won't believe me, but your father and I had some... similar issues when we decided to get married. Only, it wasn't with the brass."

She laughed mirthlessly. She had heard the tale of her parents' courtship often enough as a lesson against breaking regulations, that it seemed odd it to be brought up now, when she was quite blatantly flaunting those same rules.

"Major Alenko seems to be a good man, and an excellent soldier." Her mother tried a different tactic.

"He is." her voice was soft and caught a little as she forced herself to hold back tears. She buried her face in the pillow again as she felt the dam inside breaking.

"I can't leave him again. I already broke that promise to him twice. Third times the charm, right?" She looked up at her mother, who had perched herself on the arm of the chair and was rubbing her back. She hadn't cried in front of her mother in years, probably not since she was ten years old and fell out of a tall oak tree on one of their rare family visits to her grandparent's home in New Orleans. But she met her mother's sympathetic eyes and she cried for a long time. Her chest shuddered and convulsed with the strength of her grieving sobs. In that moment, all of the death and destruction, what had happened to her friends, family, her species, to the entire galaxy crashed over her. And she cried for everything she hadn't let herself cry about for these long years.

"Aren't you going to tell me shouldn't have blown up at Hackett like that?" she asked, her voice weak.

"No." The older woman sighed, but continued to comfort her only remaining child. "No. He knows the score. We've lost too many people for those sorts of rules to matter, honey. He was just looking for a way to control you. Steven feels he has so little control right now. The squabbling between civilian and military, the problems with the turians and the relays, and tensions running high between the salarians and krogan, it has all started to wear on him. I'm not saying you should acquiesce or forgive him, but I want to help you see what he's dealing with, why he made the suggestion." She rubbed her hands over her face and into her blood-shot eyes.

"I do understand, Mom, and I want to help. But don't I deserve a bit of happiness too?"

"Of course. You more than most." They sat in silence for a while.

"Do you love him?" Hannah said finally.

"More than anything, Mom."

"Good. That's all I need to know." She felt the older woman kiss the top of her head as she had when they were both much younger.

"Hey," the older woman said, standing. "I know I've not been the best mother since your father and sister died, and I know I can't make up for it after all these years. I just... I just hope you can forgive me and let me be here for you now."

She smiled weakly at her mother and nodded.

"I have to go. I'll come check on you later."

She stood and hugged her mother before walking her to the door. As they were standing in the opening, she felt the older woman's hands on her face.

"You just need to worry about building your strength back up. Let me deal with Steven. I won't let him take away your happiness, my little one."

She saw determination reflected in eyes so much like her own. She smiled, knowing that she got so much from this woman before her that she didn't want to admit.

"I will. Thanks, Mom."

"And if Major Alenko hasn't shipped out yet, you might want to get him back here for a while." the older woman said as she turned towards the stairs.

"Mom!" she looked at her mother incredulously.

"I just remember how hard it was when your dad or I had to go out on rotation. Enjoy yourselves if and while you can, sweetheart." The older woman's voice reverberated off the walls as she disappeared down the stairs.

Shepard leaned against the door frame, shaking her head in disbelief. Her mother still surprised her, but it was good to see her again. She turned into the room and shut the door before she activated her omni-tool. Kaidan picked up almost immediately. A grin broke across his face when he saw her.

"Hey." he breathed, his face aglow.

"Hey, yourself." She said, trying to flirt but only feeling awkward. "When are you shipping out?"

"In about six hours, why?"

"No reason." she lowered her eyes to the floor, blinked once and then looked back at him. "I'd like to see you before you go, if possible." She heard a childish chorus of "ooooohhhh" from a couple of younger men in the background.

"Was that Vega?" She asked. Kaidan sighed and rubbed his brow.

"Yeah. And Cortez." he groaned. She laughed and shook her head.

"I need to _talk_ to him." she said to the men in the background.

"Is that what they're calling it these days?" Vega said, his voice disembodied over the connection. "Hey, Cortez, maybe you should 'talk' to that mechanic at the motor pool."

"Or maybe you should 'talk' to that blond nurse you keep making up reasons to see, Vega."

"If the two of you don't stop, my boot will be 'talking' to your asses." Kaidan pressed a hand to his eyes and mumbled. "It's going to be a month of migraines with those two." She smiled sympathetically.

"I'll try to get away for dinner. And I'll call you if I can't."

"Fair enough." She knew he would do his best, and he would be there barring any unforeseen events.

"I love you, Kaidan." she said as he was about to terminate the contact. He gazed at her a moment, a soft smile dancing on his lips.

"I love you, too."

"Get back to work." She met his smile with a grin.

"Aye, Aye, Ma'am."


	7. Departure

**A/N: Thanks again to everyone who is reading this. I hope you continue to enjoy the journey. Remember, if there's anything you love, hate, whatever, please comment and review. **

**Within the next few chapters, I will be switching perspectives as Kaidan travels because I want to show more of the changes in the world wrought by the Reapers. This will be a "and meanwhile" sort of deal. Or I may just write that as a side story. I don't know just yet; we'll see what my muse does.**

**It's a little shorter than typical, but I feel that the next relationship that I want to touch on deserves its own chapter, so this is more of a bridge than anything else.**

* * *

**Departure**

She sat naked at the table except for her underwear and a long towel wrapped around her wet hair. The warm shower had been good, but it made her realize just how tired she was from the day's events. She rested her weary head on one fist, the rest of her clothes bunched up in her lap. Hackett, her mom, Kaidan shipping out, Hackett again, the refugees, her mom again, missing Kaidan already; all these thoughts raced through her tired mind. She closed her eyes in an attempt to shut it all down. She had drifted off and did not hear the quiet closing of the door. She jumped as a large warm hand gently caressed her shoulder.

"I didn't mean to startle you." Kaidan's voice was soft, deep with concern. She looked up and met his tired brown eyes. She gave him a tired smile.

"It's fine. Just..." she yawned. "It's been a long day." His face erupted in an understanding smile.

"That is an understatement." She felt her breath quicken as he slipped his hand in hers and sat down across from her. It caught slightly as he brushed her wrist with his lips. She loved his touch.

"Hackett told me I should move." she blurted out, breaking the spell he was weaving over her but she had to tell him.

"What?" He froze, still holding her hand to his cheek.

"Don't worry, I told him where he could shove it." she yawned again.

"Good." He kissed her wrist again.

"I promised I wouldn't leave you, and that's a promise I intend to keep this time." she felt his lips curl up in a smile against her palm.

"How long until you leave?" she asked quietly.

"About an hour."

"Not much time then."  
"No."

She moved to his chair and crawled into his lap, resting her head on his shoulder, nuzzling her nose against the pulse in his neck. His arms wrapped around her, squeezing her tightly against him.

"So, what do you want to do for an hour?"

His soft laughter vibrated deep in his chest. He slid his arm beneath her knees and picked her up. He laid her gently on the bed before laying down next to her and gathering her in his arms.

"Not enough time to do what I want, so I think I'll just lay here and hold you for a while."

She smiled against his chest before closing her eyes and letting his heartbeat lull her to sleep.

* * *

She woke to an empty bed and the sun streaming in through a window. A light on her omni-tool flashed indicating that she had messages—one from Liara, one from Doctor Chakwas, and one from Kaidan. She read the one from Kaidan first, which simply said that he loved her and would call her as often as he could. The messages from Liara and Doctor Chakwas both asked if she was free today; Chakwas wanted to proceed with the implant removal and start hormone therapy, while Liara was hoping that they could meet for lunch to discuss some of the current ideas floating around about jumpstarting the mass relays. She didn't know how much help she would be for Liara, so she made arrangements to meet with her the following day as she headed to meet with Doctor Chakwas.

"Shepard." Chakwas greeted her cheerfully.

"Doctor. You seem to be in a good mood this morning."

"Well, yes, we had a bit of a breakthrough engineering dextro-amino foods. It's not the one we were hoping for, but it is still significant."

"Yeah, that's great news."

"Anyway, let's get that implant out of you."

The procedure was simple and barely required an incision. The hormone shots afterward, however, was far more unpleasant. It was a battery of injections in various locations with what she determined could only be called 'needles of doom'. Chakwas explained that the injections were bathing her organs with the appropriate hormones to stimulate a reaction and hopefully a resumption of a cycle. It just felt like fire eating her from the inside out.

"The procedure is common in those who chose to reverse a more permanent form of birth control." Chakwas elaborated. "However, with all that your body has gone through, I still want to check for some permanent scarring."

"And how would you be doing that, Doc?"

"Well, the Normandy has the most advanced med scanners in the area." She felt herself stiffen a bit, which did not go unnoticed. "I've already arranged for transportation. We should be there and back a little before dinner time."

The doctor helped her up and to the waiting vehicle.

"How's Joker?" she asked. "Kaidan told me he refuses to leave the ship."

The doctor stared out of a window for a few minutes, sadness and frustration gliding over her features.

"Joker has been... problematic, since EDI's... death. I've got some of the old crew checking on him every couple of days to make sure he hasn't done something stupid."

"Stupid how?"

"Well, in the first week after the Reapers fell, he decided to climb onto the nose of the ship and jump off. Shattered his legs and feet."

She winced at the thought.

I am so very sorry, Joker. She thought. He had been one of her best friends, stuck with her through thick and thin. He followed her through hell and brought them out through the other side.

What right did I have to take away his happiness for my own? Her guilt echoed, bubbling up inside her like the rotten sludge at the bottom of a lake, forgotten until it gets stirred up, when it rises to the surface.

"How... How did EDI die?" she could feel the uncertainty in her voice, and she knew that this would not be an easy trip to the ship that had been home.

"She went quickly. As soon as the ship was engulfed, she just... shut down. The thing is the basic VI program is still there, but..."

"But it's not EDI."

"It's not EDI." the doctor said as the blue and white hull of the Normandy came into view.

* * *

_Note: I really feel like Shepard dealing with Joker is going to need its own chapter. Might take a while to update because I fear it's going to be one of those heart wrenching things to write._


	8. Joker

**A/N: Thanks to those who've reviewed. I'm always looking for insight and ideas and feedback! And to those who've read, faved or put this on alert, Thank You and I hope that I keep your interest as I go forward. **

**This was HARD, and I still don't feel like I got it down perfect. I can't see Joker as anything other than completely broken after losing EDI.**

* * *

**Joker**

Stepping on to the Normandy for the first time since the attack was a surreal homecoming. Everything still looked the same but it felt... wrong. There was no chatter, no snippets of conversation as she passed through the decks. She heard only the clanging of her and Doctor Chakwas' boots against the metal plating as they traveled from the empty shuttle bay to the infirmary. The scan itself didn't take very long, but the doctor said she needed time to analyze the results before heading back to the settlement. Shepard took a deep breath and took the elevator to the CIC.

If I don't see him now and talk to him, she thought, but she couldn't finish it. Her heart ached too much.

The CIC was empty, a shell of its former self, but it glowed in an eerie light as power still ran to all of the stations. Otherwise it was as still and silent as a tomb.

I guess it is one in a way, She thought making her way passed the galaxy map and toward the cockpit.

She knew that he knew she was there. She took another deep breath and steeled herself for seeing him again. She steadied her footsteps as she walked along the corridor, only to be met with a solid wall of metal. He had closed the door and shut himself away. She rapt lightly on the metal partition, the sound of the soft knock echoing in the stillness.

"Joker?" she called.

"Go away." the answer came, muffled, tinny through the separation, but the rawness, its haunted strain was apparent.

"Joker, please." she pleaded, the responding emotion tearing out of her throat in a hoarse whisper. "Joker... Jeff, I'm sorry." Her eyes burned as she held back the flood threatening to escape. She rested her forehead against the cool metal. After a few moments of silence, the door slid open. She was surprised at the face staring back at her.

Jeff Moreau looked like a shade of his former self. True, he had always been a little grizzly with some mean neck-beard going on, but now that face was gaunt and hollow. His eyes, which had always been so expressive and typically filled with amusement, were empty. They weren't even sad, they were just blank, emotionless, dead. His skin hung on his frame like an empty sack, accentuating his fragile skeleton beneath. It was clear he hadn't been eating enough, and it would be a stretch to think he had been sleeping as well.

"Commander." he croaked, his voice pain-filled.

"Can I come in?" She asked, to which he shrugged noncommittally. She took a seat in the co-pilot's chair, EDI's chair. The body that had been possessed by the AI had been taken away nearly as soon as the Normandy landed, otherwise, Shepard was certain it would still be sitting there, a quiet, eerie reminder of what EDI was, but a comfort to Joker.

Silence stretched between them, but unlike before, this silence was uncomfortable. Now that she was here, she found she had no words to say what she was feeling.

"Shepard." Joker's voice was quiet, but seemed too loud in the silence. "I... I have to know. Did you know that she would die too?" The look in his eyes was desperate, heart-breaking. She had never wanted to lie more in her life, but she couldn't. It would be a disservice to him. She looked at the floor, trying to collect her thoughts.

"Yeah, Joker, I did. At least I knew it was a possibility. Hell, I should have died too. I don't know why I didn't."

"I see..." She felt tears rolling silently down her cheeks at the hollowness in his voice.

"I couldn't have done it, Jeff. Not if there was a small chance..." She sobbed as she related the choices given her. "There was never a question of trying to control them, but synthesis... I almost... It would have saved everyone, everything."

"Except yourself." His voice was raw.

"Except myself." She sighed, wiping her hand through the trails of tears on her cheeks. "I... I couldn't leave him again, Joker. Not if there was a small chance."

"I understand. I guess. I mean..." He took off the dingy SR-2 hat he wore out of habit more than anything and ran his hand through shaggy hair that was curling around his ears before putting the hat back in place. "I don't know what I would have done if I had to make that choice. I probably would have done the same, chosen the chance to be with my loved one." He brushed away tears before they fell.

"I'm sorry I was so selfish. Every night, I relive that moment, Joker. If I could make it up to you, I would."

"You could find a way to bring her back."

"Joker..." She wanted to point out how unlikely that was, how it was far beyond her expertise.

"What's the point of me living without her, Shepard?" He said quietly, despairingly.

"Joker..." Her voice broke. It was impossible, she thought.

"Cerberus brought _you_ back." He looked at her, and the guarded hopefulness in his eyes made her want to weep.

"I'll try. No promises though." She said softly. He nodded, and she saw his face change subtly then towards the man he had been before. He wasn't completely back to his old self, but she could see parts of him visibly start to knit back together.

"That's all I can ask." They sat in silence for a while longer, but the silence between them had changed slightly. It wasn't exactly the old days, but it was no longer cold either.

She sighed heavily.

"I wish I had known the options I'd be given before hand." She said finally, almost whispering. "I might have been able to save Tali."

Joker nodded.

"They say that hindsight is twenty-twenty."

She laughed mirthlessly.

"You know, I haven't even told Kaidan about what I faced on the Citadel. About the choice I had to make."

He looked at her as she stared at the control panel she had so often seen EDI using.

"Don't." He said finally. "He suffered enough survivor's guilt after you died. It would tear his sensitive soul to bits if he know he was the reason you let others die."

"You're probably right." The silence stretched between them for a while. "Damn, Joker. Now I need a drink." She ran her hand through her still too short hair. "Care to join me?"

"Stocks here are tapped out." He looked guiltily at the floor.

"Come back with us then."

He stared out the viewport for a moment. His shoulders drooped as he sighed.

"Yeah, I guess I should."

Doctor Chakwas' voice cut in over the comms, letting her know that the bulk of the analysis was completed and that they could leave at any time. She stood and put her hand on Joker's shoulder.

"Come on."

He looked out the window one last time before standing and hobbling after her.

"So, Joker, why didn't you leave the ship?"

"And risk them stripping her bare for supplies and scrap? And leave EDI's processing core to the wolves? Are you kidding me?"

Shepard smiled.

Typical Joker, she thought. He would never abandon the Normandy without her ordering him to.

"Don't worry. I'll make sure she stays in one piece. Apparently, saving the galaxy has some benefits."


	9. Liara

**A/N: Ok, short chapter because I just needed to write something for this and real life has made doing so difficult. Better to get it out than have it stewing around in my head forever getting mushed with other things. Thank you to EmilyNight117 and gracie21 for your reviews of the story so far. Thanks as well to those who are reading, favoriting and following this story. I hope you enjoy this chapter, as I find Liara's voice difficult to find. Please share with me any comments or concerns you might have. Thank you again.**

* * *

Liara

The buildings around the settlement were bustling with people when Shepard left her little corner of the world to join them. Liara had said to meet her at the mess tent, which was one of the large central structures in the rapidly growing tent city surrounding the small village that had become New London. Since the recent influx of refugees from the northern cities, it seemed that hundreds of tents sprang up out of nowhere, making the once small settlement like a labyrinth.

Where are all the tents coming from? She wondered as she wove her way through them to center of them.

She noticed that while the older tents were standard military issue surrounding the prefabricated structures she had seen on dozens of colonies, the newer ones seemed to be concocted from whatever materials that could be scrounged up. She remembered that Doctor Chakwas had mentioned low medical supplies and realized that they must be running out of other supplies as well. Fortunately, the fields that had been planted around the settlement had yielded well and should make for a fair harvest. So at least we shouldn't be starving, she thought. But she worried how many more people they could support on what they were growing.

Liara sat at the end of a long table that reminded her of basic training. She was reviewing a data pad while mindlessly spooning a cross between a vegetable soup and oatmeal into her mouth. Shepard peered over her shoulder and looked at the concoction in distaste.

"I have no idea how you can eat that stuff." She said frowning.

"Oh, Shepard. I didn't realize you were there." Liara said flustered, offering the seat across from her to her friend. Shepard had noticed that Liara had regressed into full-on historian mode since she took on assisting with the repairs of the mass relays. When she had offered to help go over the data on the relay damage and potential repair solutions in an attempt to not die of boredom, Liara had been so thrilled. Shepard smiled as she recalled Liara rambling about how she was not technologically inclined enough to really get what the engineers were saying, but that she thought her work the Prothean archives could prove useful. Shepard had received several messages from Liara since then, updating her on her work and lamenting her inability to access the data that Admiral Hackett told her had been retrieved from Ilos, of which a copy was stored in archives in Vancouver.

Shepard slid into the seat across from Liara, smiling as she saw the old sparkle in the asari's eyes.

"So, what have you found Liara?"

"Not much, unfortunately. What I have found, however, does seem to confirm my suspicion that any information we might find useful would have been located on Ilos. It's where the Protheans stored most of their research on the relays and mass effect fields. Maybe we could glean some information from the data recovered from the research facility, or even from the Conduit itself."

"But..."

"But Admiral Hackett still won't let me take a team to Vancouver." Liara stirred her questionable meal in frustration. "And he won't give anyone clearance to go to the Citadel until the repair crews turn over." Liara looked more like a child who had had her favorite toy taken away than what one might expect of the Shadow Broker.

Shepard sighed. This was another problem for her to figure out. While she was happy for the diversion—after all, it wouldn't do for her to sit around waiting for Kaidan to get back, she was starting to wonder if anyone could do anything for themselves. It was beginning to get frustrating. Or maybe she was hungry, she wasn't quite sure. Regardless, looking at Liara's meal destroyed whatever appetite she may have had.

"Kaidan left a couple of days ago for New York."

"I heard, I'm sorry, Shepard. And just when you two were starting to get things figured out."

What the hell? She thought but then sighed. Shadow Broker, right. Of course, Liara would know.

"Maybe Hackett would let him take a brief trip to Vancouver to locate the data." she said instead.

"You think so?" Liara's eyes were so hopeful, so trusting, that she couldn't help but want to make it a reality.

"Yeah, I'll try anyway. I mean, he's already pretty much halfway there. Let me talk to Hackett about it."

Goddammit, I'm hungry, She thought, realizing that Liara's bowl of mush was starting to look appealing.

"Are you sure? I know the two of you... well that you haven't seen eye to eye recently."

Shepard thought back to her last discussion with Hackett and how much she wanted to beat him with her chair. It wasn't a surprise that Liara know about that little skirmish. She was surprised that she hadn't seen more quiet whispering about it, or maybe she was just still too addlepated to have noticed.

"Liara, you, of all people, should know that I try to not let my personal life interfere with the good of the mission. We need to get the relays operational. The turians could die if we don't. And if that means I've got to go kiss Hackett's ass, then so be it."

"Thank you, Shepard." Relief spread across Liara's face. It seemed to fill her being as the young asari smiled at her.

"Anytime." She smiled back. "Now, who do I talk to about getting something to eat around here?"


	10. Numbers

**A/N: Sorry it's taken so long to get this chapter up. I've been busy and trying to get another story finished. Thanks to those who have reviewed this story and to those who have faved/followed and are just reading it. I hope you enjoy it! Starting to tie this into some of the other stories, and I promise more Kaidan in the near future. Again, if you have any comments, concerns or whatever, please let me know!**

* * *

Numbers

Shepared sat waiting while Hackett argued with the head engineer on the relay repair project. She could hear the strain in the voices of both parties and was not looking forward to requesting yet more things for her friends—things she knew Hackett would likely think could not be spared. The voices droned on and she felt her mind drift. She scanned through reports on her omni-tool.

_Since when did I start thinking of this piece of crap as mine?_ She thought. She was drawn in by the reports on refugee numbers and estimated populations.

300,000

That was the ultra conservative estimate of remaining humans on Earth. With interstellar communication being shoddy at best and non-existent at times, there had been very little information coming form the major population centers of the other races, and much less from the smaller colonies. The other estimates ranged from 500,000 to 1.5 million humans left on Earth. But even though those numbers seemed far more hopeful, they were still a far cry from the nearly fifteen billion humans that had spread through the galaxy.

She, more than most, knew what the Reapers were capable of, but seeing the numbers shook her to the core. She could feel an oppressive wave of guilt crash over her and found herself near tears, wishing Kaidan was there to hold her and tell her it would all be alright. She felt herself sob once before she bottled the grief—and the guilt for another time. She flipped over to her message function on the tool.

'Kaidan?' she entered, recalling the ease with which she had interacted with the Geth node and wondering why she didn't even have a voice command on this piece of crap.

_Something to rectify soon._ She thought.

She didn't expect him to answer. He had only been gone a few days, and with the 'net down and only the old comm relays available to transmit messages, she didn't expect a response for a while. Still, she had to try. She needed his reassuring voice—or at least a few words form him to ease the tightening in her chest. She sighed, sinking back into the chair, willing it to be comfortable, futilely, but wishing nonetheless.

* * *

The meeting with Hackett had gone surprisingly well. She had been able to convince him that sending Liara on the Normandy to meet with Kaidan and visit the Alliance archives would likely be a huge step to getting the relays up and running. She had a pepe in her step for the first time since, well, in a long, long time. She smiled in spite of herself and felt the uncharasteristic urge to whistle when she notieced someone had fallen in step beside her.

"Hey Mom." she said, the feeling of triumph evident in her voice.

"I saw what youdid back there." Hannah nodded back toward the old church as the two women crossed the square. "You really have a way with people."

"Thanks."

"Your father always thought you were a natural born leader."

Shepard the younger beamed at her mother who couldn't hide her pride. Afterall, it wasn't every day that one was able to stand their ground against Admiral Steven Hackett and not only win the argument but also change his mind so completely. The two woman scurried out of the way of a passing transport when Shepard noticed her mother carrying something—a thin rectangular box that was tucked under her arm.

"What'cha got there, Mom?" She asked breathing heavily, as they stepped up to the big old house that was pretty much housing the command staff—though she honestly thought that Hackett may very well be sleeping in his office.

"Oh. It's a present for you. Doctor Chakwas mentioned that you need to rebuild muscle mass the last time I saw her. Says you'll never get back to your old self otherwise." Hannah handed the box to her daughter. Shepard could feel the exhaustion weighing on her rail-thin limbs and just wanted to lay down after the short walk across the square.

"She said your muscles had atrophied a great deal and you could use some exercise to rebuild them." Her mother said.

Shepard opened the box and found a pair of ballet slippers. They weren't the pointe shoes she had purchased a few months ago, well perhaps a year by now, but simple plain ballet slippers. She didn't think she would have the strength to get up on pointe anyway right now.

"I figured that perhaps some basic routines would help. Perhaps in more ways than one." Her mother touched the shoes gingerly and with nostalgia and remembrance.

"Thanks, Mom. I'll put them to good use. But, where did you find them?"

Hannah smiled sadly.

"I didn't find them, child. These are yours, from before... from when you..."

"I can't believe you kept them." She touched the pale pink slippers with new found respect for the simple gift. Hannah sniffed and blinked tears away.

"Just don't push yourself too hard to start." the elder warned as her omni-tool beeped. "Oh, looks like they need me in distribution." She hugged her daughter quidkly. "I'll see you soon."

Shepard watched her mom trot off to another building as her own omni-tool pinged. She noted that she had a new message... from Kaidan. She felt her grin return as she read the short note.

'Comms sketchy. Fixing NY tower now. Will talk more later. Miss you. Love, Kaidan.' it said. She smiled more broadly, if that was possible, as she pushed the door open with her shoulder as she responded.

'Miss you too. Love you, Shep.'

She couldn't help the goofy grin plastered on her face as she continued up the stairs, ignoring the other occupants of the house as she typed out the good news from Hackett to Liara and Joker. It had been a good day.


	11. Just Communication

**A/N: Sorry it's taking so long to get these chapters out. I am highly distracted at home right now and thus finding time and quiet to write in difficult. Thanks again to those of you reviewing, reading and following this story. And as always, please let me know what you think! And bonus cool points for whoever can guess where the title of this chapter comes from.**

* * *

**Just Communication**

Shepard had drifted off to sleep while comparing the atmospheres of Earth and Palaven. She thought she might have hit on something that could be affecting the turians on a broad scale but filed it away to discuss with the doctor in the morning. She was dreaming of reports and statistics when an incessant _ping_ entered her subconscious and roused her from her slumber. Groggily, she searched for the sound and activated her omni-tool when she realized it was the source. Her messaging program was being flooded with messages from Kaidan. She barely had a chance to skim through the contents, most of which were something to the effect of 'Shepard?' or 'Shepard, are you there?' or 'Shepard, are you awake?'. She yawned as she took in the number of messages as quickly as she could, but they just kept coming. She smiled sleepily as she opened one and responded.

'I'm here, Kaidan. What's up?'

The response was almost immediate.

'Oh, finally! Shepard, Hey. Sorry for waking you, I know it's late there.'

She yawned again as she tried to rub the sleep out of her eyes.

'Yeah, that's ok, Kaidan.' She wished she could hear his voice.

'Wha'dya need?' she asked, switching over to voice input as typing was too taxing for her still foggy brain. She smirked as she realized how much of her edge she had lost during the last several months. _Not good, Shepard._

'We just got the NY comm tower up and running. Can you get to a vid terminal for a test run?'

She smiled, rubbing her eyes again. _Leave it to Kaidan to call me for a test run. _She could feel sleep quickly leaving her mind at the prospect of actually talking to him, of hearing his voice and seeing him.

'Sure, give me a minute. I'll message you when I'm ready.'

If she had been able to see him, she would have expected him to smile at that.

'Ok, I'll talk to you in a bit.'

Her sleepiness was gone almost instantly as she weighed her options. All of the vid-capable terminals that were connected to the comm tower were in the old church, and she didn't really want to get dressed and walk all the way over there.

_Geez, listen to me. I'm getting so... lazy._

She fiddled with her omni-tool, trying to get a remote connection to the tower.

It took her the better part of an hour to make a stable connection to the comm tower, not because of any amazing security measures on the tower itself, but rather because she kept making idiotic, rookie mistakes.

_I seem to have lost a lot more than time and muscle mass while I was out._

Chakwas mentioned difficulties with attention and short-term memory, but she couldn't keep from wondering if the good doctor might have missed something. Perhaps her implants didn't entirely fix themselves and were causing some other connections to go a little haywire.

Once satisfied with her connection, she sent a message to Kaidan. Setting up her camera attachment on the omni-tool, she sat in bed and wrapped the blanket around her shoulders. The nights were starting to turn chilly, which only made her miss her lover's warmth even more. It didn't take long for Kaidan to respond, as if he had been waiting there for her message.

"Shepard?" his rough voice crackled through the tiny speakers. A grin spread over her face as his image shimmered into view.

"Shepard, hey." he sighed, joy and relief evident on his features. "Why are you coming through orange?" she could see him trying to diagnose the problem, his eyes diverted to some control panel she couldn't see.

_Ever the fixer_. _He was always more of a tinkerer than I._

"Hey, Kaidan." She caught his attention. "It's the light from my omni-tool." she explained watching his eyebrows shoot upwards.

"Didn't think Hackett was allowing remote access yet." he said, skeptically.

"He's not. I hacked it. Besides, it's 2 am here. I wouldn't want to disturb him on the off-chance that he might be sleeping."

_And I wanted to just talk to you without him standing over me._

"You sure you just don't fell like dealing with him after what he did a few days ago?" His voice was amused, knowing that she wouldn't let a little thing like an argument keep her from doing her job. "Or maybe you just wanted me all to yourself for a bit?"

_Damn, he knows me too well._ A brief guilty look passed over her face as she looked away, and she heard him chuckle.

"Water under the bridge, Kaidan." she waved her hand dismissively, ignoring his second question. The movement caused the blanket wrapped around her to slide, revealing a bare shoulder and the curve of her breast. She quickly caught it and put the cloth back on its perch.

_Not that I wouldn't sit here completely naked if I knew for a fact he was alone._

"Shepard." Kaidan's voice was a soft deep purr, barely audible over the speakers. "What are you wearing?"

Her grin, which had refused to go away, turned wicked.

"Not a damn thing." She lowered her voice to match his. She didn't miss his eyes sliding shut, or the twitch of his jaw or the deep growl from the back of his throat as she slipped into the memory of her and their last night together.

"Oh how I miss you." he breathed, still lost in the memory. He took one more deep breath, and when he opened his eyes, he was back to business.

"How are things out there?" she asked, sensing that the intimate moment had passed.

"Bad. As bad as London at least." He said, grief flashing briefly over his features. "Manhattan is completely decimated. I barely recognized it. And the other boroughs were also pretty much wiped out. We located a survivor camp a couple hours ride away operating in the RF, but much of their tech went to shit in the attack. They've been surviving, but most of their supply stores are dwindling fast. Been using old solar radios to communicate and no one with the technical expertise to fix the tower survived, so otherwise, they've been in the dark." He scratched his head. "It's good we came when we did. I don't think many of them would have survived the winter."

"Small blessings." she smiled weakly. She could see the strain on his face, knowing that he had spent some time in the city as a young child before his family settled in Vancouver. She hadn't seen New York in years, not since her sister's death. Her sister, and her father were buried near her grandparents in a cemetery there. Now, that was likely gone as well.

_Just one more casualty among so many_. Her bitterness was like a millstone around her neck.

"How many got out of the city?" she asked, trying put on the Commander Shepard voice.

"Not many, five, six thousand maybe? Most of the survivors have been coming from the upstate area or neighboring states." He rubbed his hand over his dark, tired eyes. "Should be a couple more weeks to get everything processed before we can load everyone up and head home."

"When's the last time you had a decent night's sleep, Kaidan?" she asked, realizing the irony of their now switched positions. He chuckled on the other end, yawning.

"What was the last time I was in your arms, Shepard?" She could see love for her burning in his eyes despite the low quality of the video feed. She smiled a small concerned smile.

"Oh, Hackett will probably tell you this when you talk to him, but Liara and Joker are going to come pick you up... eventually. I don't really have a time table yet. He's finally letting Liara check out the information in the archives in Vancouver."

"Vancouver? Really?" his voice had changed suddenly. It was still tired, but it held an edge of excitement and hope. "What's she hoping to find there?"

Shepard knew that he was still holding on to the hope that his parents made it out alive, but no one had heard anything out of Vancouver since the offensive to take back Earth began. It could be as simple as not having access to the technology to contact others, or it could be that everyone was killed. Still, she knew it meant a great deal to Kaidan to know for certain, one way or another about his parents, and Vancouver was the closest place to start the search.

"The data they pulled from Ilos on the Conduit and their research into the mass relays." She caught the brief quirk of his lips that always happened when she mentioned Ilos. "Liara thinks there may be information on how to restart the relays in it. And, honestly, it's the best lead we have on it." His eyes widened.

"That would indeed be good news if it's there."

"Yeah, it could save the turians." She felt a swelling of guilt as she thought of Garrus. "So, they'll be doing a quick refit of the Normandy before coming to get you. Not sure how long it will take or when Hackett will give them clearance to leave."

"Liara going to the archives, with Joker on the Normandy, _and_ they're coming to get me on the way to Vancouver? Why do I get the feeling that you had a lot to do with setting this up?"

She grinned at him again.

"Why, Major Alenko, whatever do you mean?" the mock innocence in her voice belied the mischievousness in her nature. He chuckled and shook his head.

"And that's why I love you, Shepard." He beamed through the orange glow of the omni-tool's vid terminal.

"I love you, too." she was surprised at how easily those words were coming to her now when they had been so very difficult to say before. He yawned again and she caught it as well.

_Damn contagious things, yawns._

"I should let you go." he said, his voice suddenly tired. "It's late."

"Yeah, you need to get some rest." She tired, and failed miserably, to sound motherly. He chuckled, no doubt also recalling when he was always the one telling her to rest.

"I'm not the only one." he pointed out.

"Sleep well, and I'll talk to you later, Kaidan." She yawned out his named as her weariness settled over her. A knowing smile lit his face.

"I'd like that." He stared at her a moment longer before shutting down the connection.

She flopped back into her nest of pillows and blankets and wrapped herself tightly into a cocoon. His face was at the forefront of her mind as she drifted off, but her sleep was far from peaceful that night. For the first time since she woke up, since the Reapers had been destroyed, Shepard dreamed of fire from the sky and of the ghosts of those long past.


	12. Monochrome pt 1

**A/N: Sorry it's taken so long to get this up. I've been busy/stressed/depressed and it's taken a toll on my ability to write. I'm hoping to get another chapter up soon, but with school starting, it might take a while. Thanks again to those who are reading and reviewing. It does mean a great deal to me and helps me to stay focused. Shepard heavy in this chapter, which isn't quite complete, but I'm posting it anyway. I will be re-vamping and expanding it soon, but I've got to get to work. So perhaps later.**

* * *

Monochrome (pt 1)

Shepard woke screaming. Overlaid on the view of her darkened room, she saw images of central park and the house her grandparents had lived in. She saw her sister running before her, first as a child and then beckoning her forward as a young woman. Blood stains appeared on her sister's clothing as she turned back to her.

She shook her head to clear the vision as it erupted in fire behind closed eyes.

_The child was bad enough_, she thought fighting for control over her breath and pulling the blanket tightly around her. She thought briefly about trying to get back to sleep, but the image kept swimming through her mind: her sister, her confidant for the longest time covered in blood and then consumed by flame. She grabbed the nearest datapad and turned on a lamp, easily falling into the old habits that let her maintain some level of sanity during the war.

* * *

She walked into the hospital tents purposefully and found Doctor Chakwas doing her mid-day rounds with the few remaining human patients.

"Shepard. Always a pleasure. How are things going?" The doctor had glanced at her before turning to finish her examination of a patient.

"Argon."

"Excuse me?" Chakwas turned fully to Shepard, noting that the younger woman seemed pale and had darker than normal circles under her eyes.

"I was looking over the data you've been giving me about the turian problem and got to thinking. Nothing is pointing to a virus or bacterial contagion, the areas where we are getting reports of sick turians are highly diverse in terms of allergens, so I started looking at the basic atmospheric components of Earth and Palaven. I was also looking at other planetary factors and I think that maybe they are allergic to Earth itself." Shepard paced between a pair of empty cots, brimming with nervous energy.

"And how does argon play into this?" Chakwas took the anxious woman's wrist and checked her pulse as she entered the intersection of rows. Shepard stopped her motion long enough for the doctor to do her work.

"I'm fine, Doc." She argued. Chakwas looked at her skeptically.

"You were saying?"

"Well, look at the atmospheric concentrations of the two planets." She passed the datapad she had been carrying towards the older woman before continuing. "Earth has an argon concentration of nearly 1%, while Palaven's concentration is a thousand times smaller than that. Now I'm not certain, of course, but this and Palaven's higher solar radiation are really the only two things I've seen that are significant enough to possibly be a cause, at least on as large a scale as has been reported."

"But argon is..." Chakwas began, the skepticism ringing in her voice.  
"An inert gas, I know, but perhaps it's an irritant or something. Or maybe it blocks something else that they DO need." She sighed. "That is not my area of expertise."

"Honestly, Shepard, I didn't think even this was your area of expertise." Chakwas admitted as she skimmed through the collected data. The report was well thought out and organized, and even included potential design ideas for apparatuses that would remove argon from the air entering the turians' environmental suits. It was far more than she expected from a ground pounder, even one as intelligent and uncommon as Shepard. But then, Shepard had consistently surprised them all.

"Well, my dad was an engineer."

"True. Still I'm surprised."

"My initial assignment was to engineering training actually. That is until they saw how well I could shoot." Shepard shrugged. "I don't think it would have been my forte anyway."

Doctor Chakwas chuckled.

"Well, just shows that the almighty Alliance isn't always right. Anyway, these are intriguing ideas, Shepard, and certainly something worth looking into." Chakwas slipped the datapad into a pocket.

"It might not be just the argon though. It could be a combination between that and the radiation levels, or it could be something else entirely. I just didn't think it should be overlooked."Shepard said, leaning against a cot and crossing her arms over her chest.

"Since there hasn't been any improvement despite the use of full environmental filters, I'd say any straw we can grab at this point is worth exploring."

"Short of getting the relays operational again and sending the turians home, anyway."

"Exactly." Chakwas agreed. Silence stretched between them for a moment. Chakwas just watched her, giving Shepard time to figure out if she was ready to say what has been on her mind. Finally, the doctor decided that a little prompting was in order. "Good work getting Hackett to agree to the information recovery mission."

"Thanks," Shepard sighed heavily. "But to tell the truth, I wish I was going with them. I'm... bristling at not being able to do anything."

"You've already done so much. You deserve a break, Shepard. In fact, I insist you take one for your physical and mental health."

"I know, I just... I feel off sitting around doing nothing while everyone is working so hard. It's frustrating. Depressing really. All I want to do is sleep."

"Your body and mind are healing, Shepard. A little extra rest isn't a bad thing."

"But..."

"Plus, you are trying to make that body do something it hasn't done in a long time. The hormone therapy will cause some changes in mood. It will just take a while for the body and mind to adjust."

"I know, it's just." She sighed. "I feel so useless and I hate feeling useless."

"Well, build your body back, re-hone your skills and get back to work then, soldier! Just don't rush it."

She smiled and tossed the doctor a quick salute.

"Aye-aye, Ma'am."


	13. Monochrome pt 2

**A/N: Continuing from the last chapter (which I didn't feel was complete, but I needed to post to try to maintain momentum for writing and will be combined into a complete chapter when I rewrite this), this is a bit more introspective on Shepard's part. But Shepard's story and the rebuilding story are in many ways parallels of each other.**

**Thanks to everyone reading and reviewing. It means so much to me! If you've got any thoughts, please feel free to share.**

* * *

**Monochrome (part 2)**

After her bath, she stood naked in front of the long free-standing mirror in the old fashioned room and looked at herself. She _really_ looked and was disgusted with the image with which she was confronted. She had always been slim but muscular—athletic, as her mother called it. Years of dancing had kept her lithe through her youth and her special forces training had made her strong as well.

But now, she only saw a shade of her former self—the skeletal remains of the woman who had saved the galaxy thrice over. Her limbs were like sticks and her face was hollow, sunken. Though she did not know if the latter was due more in part to her lack of sleep or her muscle atrophy. Her eyes seemed dull and her hair—oh her once luscious fiery mane—was now peppered with enough streaks of blond to make her seem gray before her time. She had half a mind to shave it all off, but didn't think that would do any good. She grimaced as she realized that she looked like a pre-pubescent boy—or one of those anime guys her sister loved so much.

Staring at the reflection, she tried to work herself into anger in hopes of motivating herself to challenge her weak body.

"What are you doing, Shepard. You're not weak—not like this. You're Commander _fucking_ Shepard, fucking savior of the fucking galaxy. You aren't this stick person who can barely go five minutes without getting winded or tired, who can barely lift a datapad, much less a rifle. What are you doing? And what are you going to do to fix it?" She berated herself, hoping that the drill sergeant mentality would help her to do what Chakwas and her mother had both suggested: Build herself back up.

But she felt nothing, not even the anger she was trying to direct at herself, just emptiness as the words bounced back at her. She couldn't even talk herself into dressing after her shower.

She crawled into bed and buried herself under the covers. She wished fervently that Kaidan was there with her. He could always convince her that she was beautiful, sexy and loved. But all she felt was nothing but mild disgust with herself.

The sky turned darker as she settled herself within her nest. Slowly, sleep took her.

* * *

Shepard woke with a racing heart and in a cold sweat, but no memory of the cause.

_Guess that's a small blessing_, she thought as her eyes focused on the shadows on the ceiling. It was late, but she could hear commotion outside. Light from flood lamps filtered through her window casting strange shapes around the room. She could hear voices, angry, urgent and loud, but she didn't care enough to see what was the matter. She disentangled herself from her nest of blankets, wishing again that it was Kaidan's arms she was removing herself from. Slipping into a tank top and some underwear, she caught sight of the box her mother hand given her a few days earlier. Out of curiosity, she put one of the soft pink slippers on her foot. It still fit like a glove. It seemed natural for it to be there, on her foot, where it hadn't been in so very long. The long forgotten familarity of the leather caressed her feet, giving her comfort in a way she hadn't felt since her father's last hug. Her mind raced back—before the Normandy, before N7, before killing and death so firmly entrenched themselves in her life, before the self-destruction of her youth.

She stood in front of the mirror.

_Breathe_. She thought, her mind spiraling backward further still, past instructors and various posts, past recitals and exams.

_Breathe._ Echoed through her mind, voice in the tones of an old Frenchwoman—a dancer turned instructor upon falling for an Alliance soldier. She inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, her body aligning itself into a long unused poster, her feet sliding slightly apart.

_Breathe_. Another deep breath and she felt herself sink through her knees slowly, her arms opening in response. Exhaling, she felt herself rise.

_Plié, relevé, inhale, exhale_.

She continued with the simple exercise until her legs were shaking with fatigue. Slowly, she collapsed to the floor, exhausted, but feeling more like herself than she had in a very long time.

She looked in the mirror. Though the face staring back was still in many ways unfamiliar, she felt an energy flowing through her that had been missing. There was a crashing out in the darkness of the square, but she paid it no mind as she lay sprawled on the floor. Her omni-tool beeped. She was surprised she could hear it over the noise from outside.

It was a message from Kaidan.

"Can you talk?" was all it said.

"Not on vid." she responded.

"That's ok, text will work." She frowned at his cryptic-ness.

"Then, yeah, I can talk." She rolled over onto her belly and pushed herself up from the floor. The message pinged for her attention as she crawled back into bed.

"I feel like a dolt, Shepard. I got go excited when you told me that I'd be heading to Vancouver that I didn't ask how you were doing." She sighed heavily as she thought about what to say.

"I'm fine, Kaidan." she wrote after a long moment.

"Shepard." She could imagine the sigh and disapproval in his voice as she read the words. "Don't lie to me."

"And how would you know I'm lying?"

"Because you're getting defensive about it?"

She sighed again.

_Leave it to Kaidan to read me so well, even via text._

"Look, if you don't want to talk about it now, that's ok, but I just want you to know that I'm here for you, even if I'm not physically with you."

"Kaidan." she replied. "I'm doing ok, really. I just... I miss you. I wish you were here."

"I wish I was there too, at least a lot of the time."

She thought for a while, wondering just how much she should tell him about what she'd been feeling, her helplessness, her disgust with herself. The message pinged again.

"I love you, and I just want to know you're ok."

"I love you too. I'm fine but I'll be better when you're back." She paused for a moment after replying. "I wish I was going with you. I just feel so lost with nothing to do." She had almost given up on a response from him when her tool pinged again.  
"Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's good to figure out who you are without the need to save the galaxy all the time hanging over your head."

She thought about what he was saying before responding, but her tool pinged again before she could do so.

"Hey, we've got this, Shepard. When you're feeling better, I know you'll be back in the game, but right now, you have to trust in the abilities of those around you. Please. For me." She closed her eyes and imagined his honeyed eyes boring into her and full of so much promise, her cheeks held firmly between his hands.

"I'll be home as soon as I can."

"Alright, Kaidan. I'll hang in there."

"Message me any time, ok?"

"Sure."

The crashing sounds and curses from outside had only grown louder through the conversation. She went to the window and saw two large tank-like transport vehicles, or what was left of them, sitting in the middle of the square. She could tell they had taken some damage, from what she was unsure. Crews scurried around them salvaging what they could from the mangled vehicles, both parts and the cargo they were transporting. She wondered if they had been transporting refugees as well, and what might have happened to them. An intact transport sat off to the side of the square still with tow-chains attached to it. Obviously, whatever happened to the vehicles had happened out in the field or on the way back.

A sick feeling grew in the pit of her stomach. Something was out there and had attacked those vehicles. And she was going to find out what it was.


	14. What is Giveth

**A/N: Thanks to all those who are reviewing, reading and have just favorited this story. It means so much to me and gives me the drive to continue on. Things are getting fairly busy right now in the real world (School is starting, I'm pregnant, etc. It never seems to end, and I'm so tired all the time), so I'm starting to fall behind on updating. I am trying to write a little every day and will hopefully keep updating at least once a week, hopefully twice a week. I hope you continue to enjoy the story as we see where this takes up. (And for those Shenko lovers, there will be more soon, I promise!)**

**Also, this is pretty raw. If you find anything freakishly awful, please let me know and I will fix it. I will be re-writing and cleaning up once I get the story fleshed out, but I need to keep posting to keep up momentum.**

* * *

**What is giveth...**

Rain came down in sheets as Shepard crossed the square to the operations base. The wreckage brought in the night before still dominated the square, blocking the most direct path between the buildings and abandoned when the rain hit. And, of course, she was not able to find an umbrella or anything before she left. Her mood soured with the drenching of her clothes. She was cold, wet, and now hungry as she entered Hackett's office.

"Sir." She started, disregarding protocol by interrupting his conversation with one of the relay engineers. "What happened last night?"

The look on his face plainly displayed his frustration, with her, with the situation, with everything.

"We're still trying to figure that out, Shepard. Major Coats is heading up the investigation." She nodded at him before turning to hunt down the major. She found him in the body of the large church.

"Ah. Shepard." he said, seeing her approach. "I had heard you were still among the living." His levity brought a smirk to her lips.

"On borrowed time, apparently." He chuckled at the joke, knowing that they were all living on borrowed time.

"What can I do for the woman who single handedly shoved a very large boot up the Reapers' arse?" He smiled. She couldn't help but chuckle.

"Actually, I'm wondering what happened to the transports out there."

"Ah, bad bit of luck, there. Seems to have run over some sort of improvised explosive on the way back from London. Killed three and toasted some of the supplies we were bringing back. Injured five more, but none too seriously. Chakwas will have them patched up quickly."

"Why would there be improvised explosives on the road to London?"

"We found a lot of IEDs as we moved toward the countryside—traps locals laid for the Reapers."

"But wasn't the way into the city cleared?"

"That's the strange part. The road was clear. I've lead teams down it—God, hundreds of times since then with no problem."

"So, who planted the bomb?"

"I don't have an answer yet, but whoever it was seemed like an amateur. The explosion was fairly weak. The transports look much worse than they actually are."

"So, what? You think maybe some survivors who are out on their own did this?"

He shrugged.

"I don't really know what to think? There have been a few people we come across who would rather stick it out on their own, so maybe. But it doesn't make sense. Those who keep to themselves do so because they don't want our help, but they are pretty opportunistic, so why leave the material behind after the explosion?"

"Maybe they are trying to make a statement?"

"If they are, they haven't come out and said it yet. I hate to say it, because it might mean more of the same, but before we can point the finger at anyone, we'll need more information, more evidence."

"Right. Well, if you need any help or get any more info, let me know."

"Sure, Commander." He turned back to his work, but then looked at her as an afterthought struck him. "Oh, and Shepard. If you're not busy, could you check in on Engineer Daniels for me? Donnelly was injured in the blast and I promised him I'd keep an eye out for her given her... condition." She raised an eyebrow at him, but he didn't elaborate. "She's working on the refit of the Normandy, though she really ought to be taking it easy."

"Sure, I'll check up on her."

* * *

It didn't take too long for her to find a truck of supplies headed for the Normandy. Hopping in the bed, she nestled down between a couple of crates and rested as best she could on the bumpy trip to the spacecraft. She thought of why she was heading to the Normandy again.

_Do I really look that desperate that everyone is giving me these little errands? Or do I just inadvertently ask for them? Ugh. Either way, I feel pathetic._ Her mind wandered as it drifted between sleep and wakefulness. Her body was feeling sore from her exertions the night before, but it also felt stronger than it had since she woke up and the Reapers were gone. She considered additional options at times of lucidity.

_I could probably get a decent enough workout just lifting my pistol_. Her mind was bitter at the thought. A chime sounded on her omni-tool, indicating she had a message. It was from Doctor Chakwas. Shepard scowled as she red the note, which chastised her for missing her check-up and therapy this morning. With all that was going on, this new mystery and the request to look in on Daniels, she had simply forgotten. She was just tapping out her response when the truck stopped.

Peaking over the side of the truck, she saw the Normandy glistening in the sunlight. The earlier rain had washed it clean of the dirt and grime that had collected on it, baptizing it anew.

She slipped out of the truck and made her way up the open cargo ramp. She had offered to help unload supplies and equipment, but the young drafted workers had refused. So, she found her way to engineering, where she figured she would find Daniels.

Gaby Daniels sat at her station as Shepard entered, looking just as she had remembered the young woman. She watched for a moment while the engineer was engrossed in her work. It reminded her of watching her father as a child.

"Gaby." She said gently.

_I always hate this part of command._ She thought, _But at least he's only injured._ Shepard frowned at the thought. The young engineers' attraction to each other had never been a secret while they all served together, even back at the beginning after Cerberus revived her. They had even asked her to marry them before they headed back to Earth for the final confrontation with the Reapers. She, unfortunately, wasn't able to make the time to do that particular task.

Gabrielle Daniels turned around at the sound of her name and smiled as she saw Shepard standing in the doorway.

"Commander Shepard." Daniels said, getting up from her chair. Shepard's eyes widened as she took in the sight of the younger woman's swollen belly. "So good to see you." Daniels said, her voice dreamy and her face practically glowing.

"Shit, Gaby. Congratulations!" Shepard pulled the young woman into a hug, studding both Daniels and herself for a moment.

"Thanks, Shepard."

"When are you?" She started to ask before Daniels cut her off.

"Two months. I've been counting down." Gaby smiled. "We're so excited."

"Oh, damn." She shook her head as she remembered why she was there in the first place. "I... Major Coats asked me to let you know that Donnelly was injured last night. There was some sort of explosion, but he'll be fine. He was just worried about you, so... don't worry..." She realized she was rambling, so she let her voice trail off.

"What happened?" Daniels asked. To her credit, she managed to keep most of the emotion from her voice.

"They aren't entirely sure yet, but it looks like some sort of improvised mine. The best people we have are looking into it."

"But he's alright?" Daniels asked, needing clarity.

"Fine, or he will be once Chakwas is done with him." Shepard smirked, knowing the reputation of the aging doctor.

Gaby smiled and sighed in relief.

"That's good. Thank you." They stood in silence for a moment. "So, Shepard, since you came all this way, would you mind giving me a hand with a few things?"

"Why not? It's not like I have anything better to do."


End file.
